Recently I was talking to a mum of an 11 month old who had just moved over from another country. I asked her how she was going and she said she was lonely. I could only imagine, having no family here and adjusting to a new culture, whilst raising a baby. We continued talking and I asked if she was able to get out of the house much, she replied that no it was too hard with a baby at the moment.

I remember those expectations that I had for when I was going to be a mother. I was going to really enjoy my coffee dates with other mums, I was going to become a lady who lunched while my children sat at the table quietly and lunched with me.

Reading an article about a lady who had recently had a child. The journalist was asking how she was coping with waking during the night. She responded, “I get really excited about seeing the baby again.”

I thought that was great advice and would obviously put that into my parenting bank and apply this amazing advice to my children.

When one of my children wake during the night my entire body tenses, my toes curl and I have been known to kick my legs and throw the doona. I wouldn’t exactly say that behavior is reflective of someone who is excited about seeing her children in the middle of the night.

Those coffee dates I had planned became too hard to even imagine. The thought of taking a two year old to a public place became too overwhelming.

I would make plans in advance, but then the day would come and it became too hard. So I would make an excuse and stay at home. Aside from school drop off and pick up and maybe the occasional phone conversation with my husband I could go an entire day without really speaking to anyone. That is lonely and isolating.

When we become parents we need to change the expectations we placed on ourselves before we had children. In my experience you can read all of the books you like, speak to as many friends and family who are parents, but until you experience it first hand you have no idea the ride you are in for.

Looking after your children becomes a priority, but looking after yourself is as important.

I found on the days that I woke up and didn’t ‘feel’ like getting out of the house, those were the days I really needed to.

I have a permanent catch up scheduled every week with a girlfriend. We meet at a park where we can buy coffee and let the kids play. Sometimes the kids play nicely, sometimes they throw tantrums but I have never walked away wishing I hadn’t gone.

Parenting might not meet all of those expectations you had, but don’t stop trying. Don’t doubt your ability as a mum. There will be days when you wake up and staying at home is the best you have to offer, that’s ok. Look after yourself, and when it feels too overwhelming to get out of the house, just know that so many other mums before you have been through and are going through the same thing.

Changing your expectations does not mean you have failed, it means that you are adjusting. You are adaptable.

I wish that it was as socially acceptable for me to throw a tantrum as good as the ones my three year old has when she wants to wear her stripy shirt and not her spotty.

Some days all I want to do is stamp my feet and jump up and down. Not for any real reason except that all the little things that have accumulated have now become a giant ball of too much to deal with. Trying to verbalize the feelings that I actually can not make sense of. I now have a little more understanding as to why children just throw themselves on the ground.

My husband was mowing the lawn, he put his head phones in and mowed the lawns for two hours. I love him for that, but I was so angry, because I had to look after the children. Our kids had been sick, one in hospital and one close to being admitted. The kids just wanted cuddles, and I just wanted space. I wanted to put headphones in and zone out. Walk in a line back and forth for two hours. Be lost in my own thoughts. I went to him in tears and said I need to go out for a bit, I put the youngest in the car and went for a drive with tears running down my face. The poor guy stood there with the most confused look, because at this point his wife had just gone crazy.

All these emotions had come to a head, and it was nothing that he had done. I just needed to throw myself on the ground and have that tantrum.

Adulting is hard because it comes with responsibility in the same sense that parenting is tough because it doesn’t take that responsibility into consideration.

When you go to bed at the end of a long day, you don’t just clock off from your parenting duties. It is a constant.

As adults dealing with tough circumstances is hard, having bad news delivered is hard. Trying to work through struggles in your home life and work life is hard. Having to do that while bringing your ‘A’ game as a parent is really hard.

Parenting doesn’t wait for the tough times to end before it starts working you again. It’s all the time. And it’s exhausting. Just when you think you are moving forward, you start going sideways instead.

Even if you have the perfect child – whatever that is, juggling life as a parent with those adult responsibilities will always present its challenges. If you need to have a tantrum, throw it. There would not be one parent who judges you for it. It’s only a shame that unlike children we don’t get timed out in the process.